To my million fans, I am sorry. I meant to write earlier but things kept coming up and it got delayed till the point where there was nothing to write at all. Not that there is anything great to put down now.
I have realized one thing though, I am not good at this. This writing business. Heck I shake at the thought of even writing a formal letter which is not more than two lines. I keep trying to not sound too rude, or too angry or too "anything that I've been lately"...
Some people are gifted and some achieve that gift from hard penance. I am neither gifted, nor intend to pursue any sort of .... thing.... to be called a good writer. Hence the title "I am not a writer, I just write".
But why did I write so much about writing? Well a friend pointed to me lately that I should take up writing small reviews and stuff. Not harangue or boring pages full of bull-shit but small things like hotel-reviews, movies, games, gadgets etc. hah..
"You really think I should do this?"
"Why not? I don't want hi-fi writing. I just want something that people can understand."
Let me tell you, this was few months back and thats when I stopped writing and started thinking.
'Can I actually do this?' And look this, I am writing almost after three months. The point is if I had to do something good as a profession I would not do it. I'd rather leave that to the professionals. As far as my profession is concerned, well as you know by now, and judging from what I have written till now, I have plenty of time on my hands to do.... well, nothing.
By the way, a very Happy New Year to all you readers and non-readers alike.
I am back in Mumbai, at least for a week before I head back to Pune, and shit this place has gotten hot. What is this? Global warming? No it cant be that. I mean we still have 10 years before we can press the panic-button. I mean "panic-buttons" are for emergency aren't they? They are not there for being proactive. To take precautionary steps. Dig a well because you are thirsty. And we are proud of it too. So its OK if you are using plastic bags or spitting on the last clean spot you saw or using CFC filled cans of deodorants or sitting in you plush A.C office rueing about the rising mercury levels. Its ok... we still have 10 years.
Anyway...People keep asking me why I keep running back to Pune, and till date I have dismissed the question saying,"I have important work there". Just to sound to very important and busy with my life that I never bother to elucidate what work that is or even whether I do any work anywhere. The fact is I am not working. Yes just like million other Indians who sit at home trying to think whats the best job they can do, find it and then say "fuck it" I have better things to do in life. Wonder what those things are. So I go to Pune just for the heck of it. Actually I go there to study. I am preparing for my GRE. Or m I?
I got a call yesterday saying they want me to come for an interview to this job-hunting company and I would be working as some HR person. Now, a company which calls me over to an interview has to be too desperate. With my academic record, seriously? So I try to be blase and say, "yeah why not, I'll be there". But now I am in a dilemma whether to go or not. On one side I get to earn, have some dough in my pocket to show-off. And on the other I get tied down to this 9-5 job and let my dreams to do a few things go for a toss. Ahh difficult choice. Can't think. Must take my "think -pill". Arrgghhhh.... sorry got a little carried away with my Batman impression. Thats it for today.
Will Saumitra go for the interview? Will he get the job? Or will he dump it and do something better? Will he ever do anything better? For the answers, stay tuned to......
UNSPOKENBLABBER
No you haven't seen him, right? You will not. Not you, who wear a mask everyday on your face. Show the world how good you are, hiding those dark secrets of your past and present. Not you either, who are too busy to 'stand and stare' at the people whom you pushed aside on your way to the office. People you think are so worthless and have no work other than standing in your way. Neither will you see him, you, who show how preened you are. Styling your hair for your date with someone else just like you. Nor did I see him for a long time. He is non-existent. For us, he's an entity that has no use on this planet. He doesn't have a name or perhaps he himself does not remember it.
But next time you go past him, just take time and look beside him. He will probably be standing next to a big heap of garbage. He spends his day, cleaning the road, collecting trash from outside all the shops and them dumping it all in the dumpster. He isn't a government employee and is not on anyone's payroll. He does it, because... well, he does it. Altruistically cleaning waste left behind you and me alike. And he sings when he rests. Sings not so that we can "throw" him some alms but because he wants to. He does it for himself. People in the city, and the shopkeepers, whose pavement he so regularly cleans say he's crazy. Lost his nuts in some accident. I say he has his bearings in place. Its us who have lost them.
So coming back to the jogging park scene, I saw this guy throwing his cold-drink can on the ground and leave. By the time I finished my second round and returned to the 'Scene of Crime' the felon had left with his felon'i' (thats Indianised, read 'his g.f') in his arms. I started scratching my head. What to do? If I clean his mess up I was sure to be laughed at. I mean hey "isn't it the job of stewards". I looked around and noticed no one there even knew me. Why not clean the shit? Walked over to the spot to be met by more trash than I thought. What's wrong with our people? Anyway I picked up a torn out plastic bag and stuffed most trash away. Carried it to the dumpster and disposed it. Thanks to the city's nameless cleaner, the day was saved. He hasn't lost his bearings, and before its too late, we need to fix ours. Get up people, keep your city clean. Please do not litter, and my personal request, please do not spit.. yuck....
After you read this blog, please suggest a name for our hero. I want to call him, 'Crazy Gadge Baba'.
p.s.: if you think this is 'trash', 'dump it' dont just ignore.
These are thoughts and so have no logical order.
Why do people cheat? Why? What wrong has the person being cheated done to be put into so much pain all the time?
If karma is the route cause of everything that happens in my life when is this going to end? Does death signify end of karma? Or is it just an end of a phase of them?
What's wrong in worshiping 'Kali'? Why do people see Her as evil? She is not. The destruction she brings along is Her nature. She only wants to help you, free you from your bondage/s.
I am shit scared about my GRE and I am not doing anything about it. Its high time I did and bloody-hell I want to perform. Is it because there is no pressure this time? I mean my last two engineering exams were given when nothing seemed right, and I was able to perform.
There are so many things I want to do as Saumitra. When will I ever start doing them? When will I start living for myself? And does living for yourself mean being selfish?
I feel like talking to the person who made my life hell. Is that wrong?
A recent article in a newspaper said that a single man cannot adopt until he is 30 whereas a woman can adopt when she is just 20. Are men so immature? And whoever said only women can look after kids? Also there's a shitty law that states there has to be an age gap of at least 21 years between a man and the child if a couple was adopting. Whoever said 21 years is a safe age gap? A girl once told me that "age makes no difference to me anymore". Shit. Utter shit.
Are only guys entitled to do the thinking? Of how they behave, how they react, what they do or even whom they are with?
If I cheat and then confess, does that make my crime less severe?
Answers to these thoughts, or even counter thoughts are not expected but if any I don't mind. As I said, these are my thoughts, whatever you add to them are yours.
Keep thinking.
P.S. : These thoughts are general and any resemblance to any of yours' or pertaining anyone in particular is merely coincidental.
Seriously what kinda title is that? It has no meaning, just like this blog.
I just wrote an entire blog and deleted it.
Seriously what kinda blog is this?
Wiping her tears, she stands at the door, trying hard to reach the door-bell. She finally makes it and the door is answered. He stands there, hands folded, her tears unnoticed. The moment his fell on the glistening drop of water beneath her eyelid, he falls down on his knees and grabs her in his arms.
"Taat, they tease me at school."
She calls him taat. And she is his Swasu.
"Why?", he was puzzled?
She is the perfect child a father can have. She was the most lovable person he had ever found, they shared a bond that was beyond love for him. She was a child and a grown woman sometimes. And she worshiped him more than anything. Not even her Barbie dolls, she had loads of them, two for every birthday. Together they made a great pair. Taat would take her on bike-rides evry night and they both would lie down under the sky gazing at the stars. He taught her everything there was to know for a six year old. And she taught him everything there was a father should know. She was perfect. He was perfect in her eyes.
"They say I don't have an AAI. Tara says those girls are stupid and that I should not talk to them".
Now it was his turn to shed a few tears. But he could not. He had buried the past behind, long ago. It was almost 10 years ago when he and someone else had thought, dreamed together, about her, Swasti, as her parents. Until she had abandoned everything, destroyed every possible good they shared.
Today he was alone. Being a father and a mother to his Little Angel.
"You have one", he said gulping that mass of sadness that kept coming up.
"Where? Who? Why isn't she with us then?" she wanted answers. Answers which he had rehearsed for all these years. But when the time actually came, he couldn't. He just god-damn-it couldn't. Her eyes pierced through him. For the first time he felt helpless. He wanted to fall down but he could not, lest she thought her taat was weak. He wanted to put his head in his daughter's lap, cry, hold her, caress her, kiss his daughter with the affection of a mother, run away with her, just die there. He couldn't.
'Taat was a superman. He can do anything' she "knew".
"I am your mother. I am your 'aai'", and he broke down, wept like he was her child.
Swasti took his head in her hand, and he hugged her. She didn't ask any further, went in her room, and brought a small box. She took out a pinch of vermilion from it and put it on his forehead.
"I saw aaji do it to other women." and they both burst out laughing.
He picked her up in his arms. He knew his role had changed. He would now have to take two roles with more care. That now he would be closer to his angel than ever. He smiled inwardly.
She knew she had a friend now that was unlike any other at school. She would come home now to tell every small thing that happened in every small corner of their elementary. And she smiled, giggled, and put her head on his shoulder.
She went in and called Tara.
"I have a mother, I will tell others at school" and she told her everything as they always did, and they both giggled.
"I will see you in school tomorrow" and they hung-up.
"AAI", she called out.
He closed his eyes, smiled and answered,
"Yes beta.."
After a long hiatus I am back to write some blog. Wait a minute before any of you wonder why I disappeared, please people, this is my space. I can write what I want and when I want to. Your job is to read and comment. Haha...
Anyway, as I said, we are caught. Where, how, when, ask your self. I am not saying I am caught or you are. We are all caught, in eachother. In each other's perception that is. For most this might not make sense. It doesn't, for me. But thats what "the experts" say.
William Blake once said,
"If the Doors of perception were cleansed,
all things would appear infinite."
Is this true? But then what are these doors of perception? The way we look at things? Or the way we think that we look at them? Or the way they actually exist? Or the way we think they actually exist? I am having trouble finding answers to these questions and so the hiatus. I will be back soon, may be with answers, may be with more questions.. Until then, c'ya.
Ajchi ratra vegli ahe,
asa tula vatat nahi ka?
Madhech pavsachi sar,
madhech gaar vaara.
Madhech tuzi athvan ani
tyatach maza nivara.
Madhech tuza hasna
achanak tuza rusna,
Rusun -fugun mag tuza,
mazya mithit yeun basna.
Madhech tuza godva,
an kadhi tuza sugandha,
tuzya savlit ata,
maze dole ahet band.
There is something in you, Pune, that makes me think now, why did I not like being there? Why?
This is the city where I spent five years pursuing my 4- year course of Computer Engineering. Yes I am one of those IT guys. I call myself an IT guy not an IT geek because I am not one. On a quite Sunday you will not find me working on some project, but sipping my chai. That one cup of pure bliss. Shaking away the Saturday- night blues of the over filled glasses of Vodka. Well I am yet to get a job but who said you need to work to drink?
Coming back to Pune, the city,
Pu La hated Pune, yet settled in this cultural back-bone of
But yet… there is something that I like about this place.
May be it’s the freedom that I enjoyed. The late nights I spent eating bhurji-paav at Swargate. The climb to Parvati at 2.30 AM, the tapri chai which is every engineering student’s elixir, the bike-rides with friends, and I am not hinting at female friends. Just the thrill of it all made me feel today…
What is it about this city that makes me think, why did I hate it in the first place???
Why?
A funny question to start off a liaison that I never expected to have. Writing blogs. Or for the geeky one’s out their, writing b-logs.
How many of you knew that blogs are actually bio-logs? I didn’t, until I went for an interview in a small time IT firm where I was asked to make an entire application for blogs in just one and half hour. Bull shit.
Coming back to my question and leaving behind all the bull in the previous para, I want to ask this to everyone who even remotely are related to this 3-lettered word, why cant things be a little more simple in life??
Why does “realization” have to “dawn” at the most unexpected times, like when you are happily jogging to keep those extra kilos off, and from the most unexpected circumstances, like talking to a quintessential biscuit-walla who turns up weekly to talk about how his son, from the gaon in Bihar is not studying and wasting away his life.
I mean I am having a normal day, sitting at home sipping tea and suddenly he comes in smiling.
“Kuch biscuit doon malik”, he quipped (Want some biscuit, master).
Now, being called a master by a person who’s at least 30 years older to you is shameful enough. But I go ahead and add to that shame saying,
“Nahi aaj nahi. Aaj-kal koi nahi khata biscuit”. (Not today. Nobody eats biscuits these days)
After a lot of pleading and persuasion from him I agree to buy a few naan-khatyis and few toasts. Beaming, he leaves and comes back with the packet, and starts his ‘my-son-is-wasted’ talk all over again.
“Udhar ka maahol thik nahi.”
Nod.
“Aap se iss liye kehta hoon kyu ke aap padhe likhe ho aur jaante ho padhna kitna jaroori hai.”
Nod-nod.
…
“…bolne wali baat ye hain..”, I was not paying any attention until then.
“.. ke duniya main koi kisika nahi hota malik…”.
No nod this time.
... toh bolne wali baat yeh hai ki, duniya main koi kisika nahi hota….
About me
- Saumitra
- This is about me. About what I feel or don't feel about things, events, people. This is about revelations, epiphanies, evil ideas, changing the world, not giving a damn about the world, changing myself, not caring about anyone and caring about all; its about being in constant search, yet never finding it. Its about love and hate. About silence and chaos and all the lies between. UnspokenBlabber is about nothing but my thoughts. So don't worry about yours' 'coz they never mattered anyway.
